TUS MENYUAM HLOB
Tus Menyuam Hlob / ลูกคนโต translates to ‘the eldest child’ in Hmong / Thai.
It’s an illustration of a knight clothed in my own design of Hmong and European armor, an attempt to merge two sides of my ethnic background. This is a large-scale piece, it includes ceiling-to-floor pattern work draping onto the floor behind and the life-size illustration that hangs in the front; all these pieces are suspended from the ceiling.
This character in my piece is a reflection of the role I hold in my family. Being a knight involves being “gifted” with heavy responsibilities that are often not chosen to be taken on willingly. There is limited room for what they can control and what is meant for them. And sharing that space is also the sensation of being suffocated by the mass of expectations being carried around with them constantly.
This piece is intended to make space for those who were raised in an immigrant household with the role of being the oldest child. That role we are “gifted” may feel special in its own ways, little do people know that it can feel very suppressing.
We are the first of a new generation from our parents’ lives. We are conditioned to become someone our loved ones see as “successful” and to prevent us from making any mistakes that may steer us away from their ideal.
But that someone isn’t who I am or want to become. The oldest child is consumed by others’ needs and expectations, they carry around others’ trauma and burdens. They are numb to making their own decisions and stories. And the fear of stepping outside of those set paths is dangerous enough to keep me in them. Not having the space to learn about my own self-identity and future is and will always be, enraging.
While making this piece, I went through a lot of twists and turns with myself. It was very frustrating and it was difficult to depict so many emotions and visuals into something I could call my own. I wanted this piece to express everything I wanted to say that I’ve been holding in for so long. There were a hundred different scenes and visuals in my head, playing out like a silent film. I wasn’t sure how to express any of it. I only realized what I was doing when the work was finished. Small details of cut hair scraps, soiled cultural clothing, rosacea, no jewelry, the facial expression, all of it was added naturally without a second thought. And all of these details have their own story, their own memory, and their own burden.
After the installation was completed, I was really shocked at how full of color it was and the size of it. Originally, I had planned for a darker piece that would be more quiet and more intimate. I wanted ambient glowing warm tones in dark detailed spaces. I am happy with the final result, I think subconsciously I did want it to have such a presence that I wasn’t prepared for in the beginning.
I hope whoever sees my work makes space for me. There were many moments in the past when I have given up and shared my space with others when I didn’t want to. Having this space to express my work and identity really means the world. I also want my piece to bring comfort to those who share my experiences.
This is a work of power and control, something that took me a while to find for myself.